June 2024 – My God Can

Spasms

God shows me new things each day. For the last 4 months I have been having these strange spasms beginning on the right side of my brain. We know that the brain bleed caused several diffferent oddities in my brain: unable to short-term information, mini seizures in my brain, nerve issues in my brain, weakness in my right side, paralysis in my right side, disconnected retinas, dizziness, vertigo, and trigeminal neuralgia. It has been suggested they are related to the mini seizures, or they are mini strokes. I have been having a variety of testing to figure out where they are coming from and why. My whole Chiari has been a questions. The doctors had assumed my brain issues would have been taken care of with-in year; but they linger and some have gotten worse. I find myself thinking about why God would want me. Then, I am reminded that in His eyse, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Even if I or doctors or other people see my handicapps, God still sees me as His creation. I have learned that despite all the issues I know I have and all the frustrations I feel with them, that God never asked me to run a marathon, sign up for the military, become a movie star, or a great speaker. He asks me to come to Him with what I have and He will use me.

What do you have to bring to God? Do you have a physical limitation? Do you have experiences? Is it just you? God, will use you no matter what you think you are. You are fearfully and wonderfully made (even with all the negative things we feel and see).

I like the New Living Translation best! Psalms 134:14 ‘Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous–how well I know it!’

Know that I am God

This is a continuation to the video: Be Still. After visiting with my friend and praying about all the frustrations at hand, I felt like God was reminding me that He was God and I needed to rely on the ideas; yes it is a lonely place to be (usually is), it may be a struggle at times, but God will always be better than anyone or anything else. I am learning how to have audacious faith and not just rely on God because it was fun to jump out, but to rely on God to provide everything I need to have success. One thing I have realized since this video is that my faith has been about taking a risk, then grabbing it back and doing my part to help. During my prayer time, recently, I asked God to show me how to have audacious faith like Noah and Daniel both had. Neither of them were bothered by what other people said about their choices, they knew they were from God. Both men were sinners (we all are), yet, God used them both in a mighty way. I often told my students that the word, ‘can’t’ was not allowed in my classroom because I didn’t want them to give up. Now, it is time for me to listen to myself! I can because God will!

Just Wait

Vlog

I feel the need to write a backstory about this video. On June 7th, I walked down the hallway one last time, at the elementary school I was teaching at. It has been a heart-wrenching decision and one that I didn’t take easily, but, I had to. The last time I went to the Dr. I told him that I was killing myself. He agreed and told me he and the other doctors knew that and they have been trying to tell me, but I wouldn’t listen. I knew I could do it, I knew I could just keep going another year because I loved teaching and surely God wouldn’t tell me to stop. He did, and I even fought back the idea for the last several months. I tried to find an easier teaching job, tried the assistant position idea or even a part-time position, but, the door slammed in my face each time. Comments from other teachers caused me to often tell a friend of mine that it was time for me to go, I just couldn’t keep hearing the comments. I began feeling as if I was in the wrong place, for the wrong reasons and it wasn’t about what I knew I could do, but about proving everyone (including the doctors) wrong. When I finally turned in my resignation I was finally at peace. June 7th was a hard day; hugging my kids again, knowing this was the last time I’d see most of them, saying goodbye to teachers I knew I probably wouldn’t see again and even looking down the old hallways at the large roaches, I most likely won’t see after that day, it was all rough. I went in and had my final goodbye with the principal and somehow I made it without tears. Somehow I didn’t give in to tears until I turned in my ID that evening, but, they were mixed with tears of joy and sadness.

Now, I am relying on God to provide for what happens next. I have told my husband that I am working towards getting Social Security. Upon looking at what this looks like I realize why my husband seems to be stressed about what is about to happen. I can’t help to wonder, ‘How can I make this right?’ I know, that I can’t keep going. My TN and my vertigo have become stress-related, I have seizures going on and the Neurologist seems quietly unsure about how much stress my brain is having. I have upcoming MRIs(my least favorite exams) to find out what is going on. I’m not worried exactly about what tomorrow holds. I am used to relying on God for my health. What I am anxious about is being in this hole and feeling that I am stuck and everything I do pushes me down further. It’s lonely down here, even with people around me, I’m so lonely. At this point, I wonder, if I’m not supposed to be here, not because of bigger or better things around the bend, but for someone that reads my blog and feels the loneliness, feels the fear, the anxiety, and, the stress. I can’t help to think that my problems and how I choose to deal with them aren’t for me but for you. God is good, He is able, He is the one I rely on, the one I hold on to, and the only one that could ever understand this dark lonely hole. I am here too, waiting for His mercies, but also waiting for you, so you won’t feel lonely in this dark hole.

Please, send me an email to let me know how I can help you, believe alongside of you, or pray for you. I believe God can!

mygdcan@yahoo.com