Lone Goose
When I think of anxiety I think of a cat I use to pass around to different teachers. It was a brown cat whose fur was standing out on all ends. The caption read, ‘I’m not stressed, who said I was stressed?’
I’ve dealt with anxiety my entire life and it has showed its ugly head more times than I could ever count. When I was young i would have an anxiety attack and bite my hands till they bled. When I was older I would kick trees or punch brick walls. In college a professor taught me to find inner peace (he told me to find it with God, but that wasn’t for me). I would often be standing at the top of the steps on one leg like a flamingo finding my inner peace. When I became a Christian, I would continue to use Chi with worship music so that it could help the anxiety. I have always snaped my fingers, played with playdough, bit my nails, bit my lips, smacked my tounge and clicked when I would grow frustrated, scared, angry or just having an issue. I never realized they were signs of anxiety and stemming until my oldest daughter was doing it at a college psyc interview and they asked her why was she stemming. I laughed. Yes, I stem, often. Stemming helps me think, it helps me relax, it helps me listen and at no time is it causing me or anyone else harm. I hated when people would tell me to teach their child to stop, why?
Let’s get back. I have anxiety over many things. I get scared in crowds, at church, in movie theaters, around family (mainly my mom or oldest brother), loud noises, and even being alone constantly. No matter how much I worship God, know matter how much I follow Him, anxiety is very real in my life. Some days I am ok, sometimes I’ve got it together but; there are days that I’m not ok, there are days that I cry myself to sleep or just don’t want to be. I question why I am here, why would I matter, why can’t all this leave. I haven’t found much of an answer. People tell me that I should rely on God a little stronger, I should read the Bible more, I shouldn’t say it out loud because if i say I have anxiety somehow I’ve let Satan in. I don’t believe any of that. I get lonely, I get distraught, I even get depressed. In the Bible I found many people who did the same. King David’s name came up in every search I looked up. Despite God on his life, he struggled with deep depression and anxieties. Yet, God still singled him out among the top biblical people. Peter had horrible anxiety and if you look in the new testament, he denied Jesus 3 times because of it. Yes, I know there is about 360 times ‘fear not’ is mentioned in the Bible. Did you ever wonder why? Why did God talk about it so much? Why did Gen-Revelations mention it so many times? I have heard that I am weak because I admit it, I stand here today to tell you that I am neither weak nor are you! God knows that we will have hardships in this world. He knows that we will have anxiety over fears, over money, over disabilities, over people, over life. That is why there are so many verses to continuously remind us what to do when anxiety or depression (or both) happen. It is giving us a DIY how to deal with it. In John 16 it states; ‘I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Instead of praying against the anxiety pray that God will allow you to lean on Him during it. That despite the depression or sadness you feel that God will hold you close and remind you how big He is for you.