Vlog
I feel the need to write a backstory about this video. On June 7th, I walked down the hallway one last time, at the elementary school I was teaching at. It has been a heart-wrenching decision and one that I didn’t take easily, but, I had to. The last time I went to the Dr. I told him that I was killing myself. He agreed and told me he and the other doctors knew that and they have been trying to tell me, but I wouldn’t listen. I knew I could do it, I knew I could just keep going another year because I loved teaching and surely God wouldn’t tell me to stop. He did, and I even fought back the idea for the last several months. I tried to find an easier teaching job, tried the assistant position idea or even a part-time position, but, the door slammed in my face each time. Comments from other teachers caused me to often tell a friend of mine that it was time for me to go, I just couldn’t keep hearing the comments. I began feeling as if I was in the wrong place, for the wrong reasons and it wasn’t about what I knew I could do, but about proving everyone (including the doctors) wrong. When I finally turned in my resignation I was finally at peace. June 7th was a hard day; hugging my kids again, knowing this was the last time I’d see most of them, saying goodbye to teachers I knew I probably wouldn’t see again and even looking down the old hallways at the large roaches, I most likely won’t see after that day, it was all rough. I went in and had my final goodbye with the principal and somehow I made it without tears. Somehow I didn’t give in to tears until I turned in my ID that evening, but, they were mixed with tears of joy and sadness.
Now, I am relying on God to provide for what happens next. I have told my husband that I am working towards getting Social Security. Upon looking at what this looks like I realize why my husband seems to be stressed about what is about to happen. I can’t help to wonder, ‘How can I make this right?’ I know, that I can’t keep going. My TN and my vertigo have become stress-related, I have seizures going on and the Neurologist seems quietly unsure about how much stress my brain is having. I have upcoming MRIs(my least favorite exams) to find out what is going on. I’m not worried exactly about what tomorrow holds. I am used to relying on God for my health. What I am anxious about is being in this hole and feeling that I am stuck and everything I do pushes me down further. It’s lonely down here, even with people around me, I’m so lonely. At this point, I wonder, if I’m not supposed to be here, not because of bigger or better things around the bend, but for someone that reads my blog and feels the loneliness, feels the fear, the anxiety, and, the stress. I can’t help to think that my problems and how I choose to deal with them aren’t for me but for you. God is good, He is able, He is the one I rely on, the one I hold on to, and the only one that could ever understand this dark lonely hole. I am here too, waiting for His mercies, but also waiting for you, so you won’t feel lonely in this dark hole.
Please, send me an email to let me know how I can help you, believe alongside of you, or pray for you. I believe God can!
mygdcan@yahoo.com