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My Eyes

“Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the king…” how I wish, I could see that well and know!  I have learned to use other means to see because my eyes are not always realiable.  We don’t just ‘see’ with our eyes, we also balance.  One reason I am often off-balanced is because I have to learn how to center my body without using my eyes.  In therapy I am often told shut my eyes and rely on my brain.  My eyes see strange lights, they often close, they bob open and shut often.  Before my surgery my site was SO much better and I remember telling one of my doctors not to let my eyes go.  However, they did.  It took them a LONG time to reattach to my brain and even now, after almost 3 years, they still struggle to being fully connected.  Some days I have little to no problems, others, much like today, i just want to go back to sleep.  

God reminds me often that it is not my eyes I need to focus on Him, it is my heart.  However, I am the first to tell you, that is harder than He asks!  I just want to be able to enjoy sight again, I would like to drive again, I would like to not have to figure out what things say without glasses.  Then my mind wanders to my youngest daughter.  When she was a baby she had meningitis and RSV back to back.  The doctors told us that her body may not grow as fast as her peers because both of these sicknesses will stump her growth and may cause issues in the long run.  My youngest daugther is only 5 feet and she is the smallest of everyone.  When she was about 13 we took her to the eye doctors because she was complaining she couldn’t see the board.  Both my husband and I had 20/20 vision so it seemed odd.  When they looked her over they found out that she has severe seeing issues probably related to her sicknesses as a baby.  Then it came, “her eyes will only get worse the older she gets.”  No matter how much we prayed for her, we could not help her.  I remember praying one night and God told me, “I want her to find me with her heart.”  Now, I understand what He was saying.  As a young child she always told us that God was good and great because he created the world so beautiful around her.  Now, she rarely says anything positive about God and she can barely see without her glasses.  I know that one day, she will see God without her eyes.  

I admit it is hard to see God through sound, especially when I hear more cussing and screaming.  It is difficult to hear God in the birds or creatures because I often hear the city cars or buzzing lights.  The only time I am able to understand God is when listening to his scriptures or sitting in a quiet room and praying.  I am often praying that I can hear God with my heart more often and that is my prayer request for you too.

Romans  10:9-10 “…because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and belive in your hearth that God raised him from the dead, you will b saved.  For with the heart, one believes and is justified and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. “

2 Timothy 3:16, ‘all scripture is breathed out by God…”

 

 

Hallow it Be Your Name

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The Lord’s Prayer is one of my favorite verses in the Bible.  Why do we have it?  What could it possibly mean?

‘Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be your name.  Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us today our daily bread.  And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’ Matthew 6:9-13.

In the King James Version adds “for thine is the kingdom, the glory, the power forever, amen.”

II have one idea as why it is not in the original text.  As much as we still use the King James version to memorize or quote scripture we have to be weary of it.  When it was written it was primarily for King James so that he could understand the Bible.  He couldn’t read the Greek and Hebrew text but he desired to know more.  It was not meant to be a translation for everyone to read or to focus on.  The scholars of the King James version were the ones that added the last part, to make it more of a ‘song’ than just a verse.  Since most people didn’t read Greek or Hebrew (I guess they still don’t), the only version written in English was what was given to the King.  In the last hundred years, we see that more and more translations follow the original texts.  

So what does this prayer mean?  I will break it down.

Hallowed be your name mean?  Simply we need to praise His name because of who He is. 

‘Your Kingdom come.’ Heaven is where we will go after we sleep and the head of heaven is God with Jesus on the right hand. 

‘Give us our daily bread’ It is saying, ‘Lord, provide everything I need.’

‘Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.’  We are often asked throughout scripture to forgive those who go against us (or against God).  I believe for us to grow in Christ we need to forgive those who hurt us, forgive those who say mean things to us, and yes those that even try to kill us.  We are sinners too,  and if we want God to change us, we have to be able to forgive those who are against us so that He can also forgive our sins and transition our minds into something better for Him. 

“Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from the evil one“.  God doesn’t lead us into temptation but He will allow us to go towards it because we have free will.  We need to ask God to teach us how to walk away from it and get tell Satan behind us like he did several times.  A side thought is if Satan has become a parasite and is trying to pull you down, quote scripture to him as Jesus did.  Pray to God to ask for the boldest as He spoke to Satan.  Don’t ever try getting rid of Satan on your own, you NEED the help for Jesus.  

This was my father’s favorite choir: You will have to double-click the link to put it into your feed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8jImIjg4UY 

Be blessed.

Music

When I was a little girl my dad had a beautiful tenor voice.  

I loved sitting in the choir during practice because I loved his voice.  No matter what kind of day I was having his voice always brought me such joy.  As I grew up, my dad would constantly sing to me and my favorite song was, “The Lord’s Prayer”.  Even when I didn’t believe in God, he would call me up to sing it to me anyway.  Even though he didn’t always believe in God, I think he knew that his voice was a gift to help his falling daughter.  I love music; mainly singing,  classical music, and instrumental music.  

At the age of 11 my good friend taught me how to play the ftute.  He would tell me he thought the flute sounded like the birds and bird songs often reminded him of heaven.  A few years later he died of cancer. I practiced that flute every minute I could and I learned how to play all of the woodwind and brass instruments.  In college I could pick up any instrument and play it (other thn the string ones).  As I became older I continued to play classical music.  When I became a Christian I was determined to learn The Lord’s Prayer in hopes to play it while my daddy sang.  By 1997 his voice was gone, he could no longer sing.  The last recording he made was at my eldest brother’s wedding.  I would often play for my dad until I got married, but I never got the chance to play with him.  In 2001 he died and I stopped playing anything.  In 2014 my flute was old it no longer played music so I was given a clarinet.  I blew into it a few times and even played a song or two, but it wasn’t fun anymore.  In 2020 I tried to play it again, but I could no longer get air into it and by 2022 I couldn’t remember the keys.  I called the local high school and gave it to the band department.  

Over the last few years I have thought about that music.  God gave me a gift to enjoy it and to utilize it, but I didn’t see it as a gift, I saw it as something I had in common with my dad.  

It has taught me one major lesson:  Be thankful for everything. 

Ephesians 5: 19b-20 says, ‘Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.’

I have decided that even without my musical abilities, I can still sing to the Lord and be thankful for all He has given me.

We Don’t Always Understand

There has been several times I didn’t understand what God was doing in my life or if He could actually understand what was going on.  One particular time always reminds me how Awesome He is, even when we don’t see it.

It was March 2002.  I was pregnant with my first living child and I was showing a great deal.  My husband was working at a Dredging company nearby (where he worked for nearly 20 years).  We were making good money and we had just moved into our home.  Life was going well.  My husband often worked on the dredges days or months at a time so I was use to having him gone.  We were a little nervous about me having so many issues and being pregnant and due a few months later, but we prayed about it and believed that this would be a good time for us to make some extra money.  Everything was as normal as the next.  I went over to my in-laws house because I was having night sweats anud small cramps and I just wanted to be near humans.  My husbands dredge was going to go up the atlantic in to Delaware, drop off it’s load and then travel down to the Atlantic near North Carolina before coming back home to Virginia.  I would talk to him the next morning and he would tell me how beautiful the sunrise was and about the birds following the barge and tug. We have a saying, one of us says, “May the Lord bless you and keep you” and the other one says, “may His face shine upon you, I love you always and forever”.  We said this, but something felt off about this day.  In a few hours the pains I had been feeling became more intense and my mother-in-law and I would walk up and down the road for a few hours until I called the doctor.  She told me that they were just braxton and hicks and normal about this time in my pregnancy.  Convinced I hung up, but the pains became more intense.  My inlaws and I walked up and down the road for 9 hours and we would contact the doctor several more times.  She told us that when the pains became closer together (about 2min together) then I needed to go to the hospital right away.  They started out being 1/2 hour apart for the first 5 or 6 hours.  Then they were 15 min apart and about 9 hours later they became 2 min apart.  The doctor said that she was the only one on call and she had already delivered 2 other premature babies and she didn’t want a third one.  My in-laws were able to get the CEO of the dredging company to go get my husband off the barge and bring him home because we were all convinced this baby was coming 2 months early.  

At the hospital, they checked me and realized that I was 3 cm dilated and the baby was 98% effaced and my pubic bone had broken in half.  We were all just waiting for my water to break because no matter what, this baby was on her way.  I prayed that God would help us right now, help the baby who was coming too soon, help her daddy who was trying to quickly get here in time and help me, as I was scared out of my mind!  My husband came safely and he came into the room and laid his hand on our baby and asked God to protect her and to give me peace.  The hospital recorded how many contractions I had and I had just had a huge one before he came in.  Then, the monitor became quiet and all activity ceased.  My body stopped having contractions, the baby’s heart was no longer stressed, it was as if she knew her daddy was there and she went right to sleep.  They kept me over night to monitor the baby and me and my husband slept in the chair next to me.  The next day  I went home.  

Only two hours after we had gotten home my husband had received a phone call.  He was told that while we were in the hospital almost having a baby, the tug driver got drunk and rammed the bridge into a bridge.  Only two people on the dredge survived and we needed to drive the two wives to Delaware to see their husbands.  Sixteen people lost their lives and my husband would have been on the lower level of the badge sleeping if he was not with me.  Sixteen families would wake up learning about the deaths of their sons, husbands, fathers, or friends.  I would ride in the back seat with one of these women  (one got a ride with her brother), she  was only told she would see her husband because she wasn’t even told if he was dead or alive.  We talked about the birth pains and about how her husband was’t there for her first baby but he made it a point to be there for the next one.  We discussed the love we have for our husbands and how we had wished they had a different job then working on the barges and how we both wished we could find them another job.  We prayed together and wondered what Delaware was like and why we had to go up there, why not somewhere near us.  It felt like a LONG trip even though it was only a few hours.  Once we got there we saw news people, cameras and monitors and the hospital staff and police pushed us past everyone wanting to know what had just happened.  Thankfully, both the wives were welcomed by husbands that were alive, because of some miracle.  We were told about how the others perished and a young boy even died as he jumped in to save his father.  I felt guilty being excited that our daughter wasn’t born yet and her daddy was still alive.  

As the many years have transpired since then, we have kept up with a few of the families that lost someone that day.  It still amazes me when I think of the pain I felt from nearly having a baby and the pain of trying to walk with a broken bone.  God was there, He used my baby in His perfect plan to save the daddy she loves so much.  

We learned that it may not make sense to us, but God, will use one way or the other to create a miracle.  

New Year

In just a few hours the year will change from 2023-2024.  In 1974 my mother was hoping I would be born the night of the new year, though. God had another idea.  Many people say that I was born on the 7th day because 7 is a lucky number.  Some have even gone out to say that 7 is a Godly number.  Either way, I came right when God had intended for me to come.  I believe that God has destined all of us to be born on specific days and times because He had a perfect plan that would start at that very moment of life.  Each of us live out that plan and even when you have no idea what plan God has for your life, your life is already in the plan of action.  For so many years after I became a Christian I wondered what plan I was apart of, why would God want me with Him, how could I be apart of any part of a perfect plan.  I was just a me, I was broken, abused, raped, lied to and lied about.  I was handicapped, born with both mental and physical issues that no one wanted to account for.  Why would the God of the universe want ME?  

Even as I grew in the faith.  Even as I saw the miracles that God would show me, I still didn’t understand why He wanted me or what I could ever offer to help Him.  

After these last few years, I realized, that God was using me my whole life.  Even when I was trying to show that he didn’t exist.  Even when I yelled out to Him that neither did I believe that He existed and I would never want to.  He was using me!  

Just like you, your whole life He has planned out.  Yes, some of it sucked!  Some of it hurt!  You tried to disprove Him.  It is possible that you were told He doesn’t exist or that if you don’t believe in Him, things won’t be bad.  I am here to tell you I get it!  I understand and so many other people understand too.  We also understand that even in the pain, even in the quietness, the loneliness, the fear, the tears, there IS a GOD that loves you, that holds you, that hugs you and even though everything is wrong, He is right.  He is the only right.  I couldn’t understand why I had to go through all the pain as a child and even as a grown-up, but then I realized that God isn’t in control of the sin or the stupidity of people.  He doesn’t control the demons and Satan whose primary goal is to steal and destroy.  However; God CAN use the bad to create good, just, and love.  

My baby died so that I could live eternally with Him.  I had to walk up and down the road for 9 hours in labor 3 months early to save my husband’s life.  My husband had to lose the only job that he knew to allow us to see and understand what it meant to be poor.  I had to have addictions so that God could show me how to help others.  I was abused and raped to prove that God can use me.  I had to have Trisomy X to show that even handicapped people have a purpose on this Earth.  I had to have a brain bleed and fight for my life these last few years to show how God can do miraculous things even today.  

As I go into this new year my paradigm has changed.  I am no longer wondering how God could use me, I already know.  Now, I am going to live the rest of my life,  He has miraculously given me to prove that He isn’t just able to make the brokenhearted whole, but He will do it in a mighty way that no one can fathom.  

In the New Year of 2024 if you don’t believe that God can…take a chance and ask Him to make Himself real to you in all your situations; the good, bad, and the ugly.  I have no doubt that you will find that YOU ARE ALREADY A PERFECT PLAN

Birds

Birds, what do you know abou them?  Did you know that the horror movie, Birds, was based on actual events?  Birds are one of those amazing parts of creation that are both cute, amazing and curious.  When I was a little girl I owned a parakeet that I named, “Baby Boy Blue”.  He was a boy and had blue and green feathers.  I was taught that some species of birds, especially exotic birds,  have a blue band across their beak to show they are a boy. Every day birds have another way of showing their gender.  Girl birds are less colorful while their male counterparts are made of vibrant colors.  Birds like Peacocks have both the blue on the beak as well as vibrant coloration for the male birds.  They get all the luck!  However, female birds are beautiful in their own right!  

Geese are hard to tell the difference.  The Canadian geese all look alike, but if you look at them a little harder you will notice that some of them have really long necks and some have short ones.  The ones with long necks are the males and the ones with the short necks are the females.  

God created them to be so beautiful, and to remind us of how awesome He is.  He thought of everything when He created birds!  He knew that humans would need something to talk to, something to watch, something to feel peaceful with.  

Blackbirds and Crows are some of the smartest birds in the world!  Oddly, they may be loud and annoying, but, they are simply saying, “Hello”, “good morning”, and “have a good day”.  They might even be warning you about something nearby or a feeling they have to warn you about something bad.  These birds also have the longest memory.  My husband and I often say “good morning” to the birds and each day they come and sit around our house just to talk to us and listen to us talk to them.  If we don’t say anything at the house they follow us to my work, or wherever we go till we say something to them.  They are super smart birds!

Some countries refer to them as Colly birds or large Colly birds.  In the 12 days of Christmas, the 4 Colly birds became the 4 Calling birds in the 1900 century.  It makes perfect sense since the meaning is the 4 books of the New Testament that ‘calls’ out who Christ is born to be, His life, death, and resurrection.  

The next time you hear a caw or see a bird, thank it for being there and wish it well with its day.  You will find that it will most likely be a friend you never knew you had!

 

Roller Coaster

Teaching Moments, blog

I get to teach my children about roller coasters and how they are built and what goes into them.  I love science, I love watching, learning and teaching about science, because it doesn’t fit inside of a box, it literally runs all over the place if you don’t watch out!

Life is much like a roller coaster.  It was my dream to build a coaster called, “The Wave”.  I wanted to make it large enough for people to stand on what looked like a surf board and go high up then straight down in a matter of micro-seconds only to blow past a thing of water and into a dark tunnel.  Then I wanted pictures illuminating off the walls that would be steps of life, as the coaster continued to slide to the right, left, up and down.  At the end would be a large ‘wave’ where the riders would veer off to the right, the left then ride one more huge wave before slowing down and getting to the end.  It would be awesome! Unfortunately, God didn’t give me the ability to create one, but I still dream about it!  Even though they scared me, I loved riding them.  Even when I wasn’t supposed to, I had fun.  Then, one day, I went to ride a super big one and I couldn’t get my head to lift up while we were going around the circle and going upside down.  That was 6 years ago and I have not been on another one since.  I wish I could!  Such is life.

I realize, as I’m reading through my lessons to my children that I go through a roller coaster every day.  Each day I wake up gravity keeps me down on earth.  My head spins every day and with one leg I’m often feeling my roller coaster legs.  It is not always a bad thing, sometimes I try and imagine I’m on a coaster!  Imagine it!  You are the builder of your own coaster.  You are in charge of what kind of energy you are going to have today, to get yourself, your vehicle (or whatever you use) to get from point A to point B.  There are going to be many ups and downs in your day to day lives and some days you may have some really steep hills and some fast straight down drops.  Instead of thinking how terrible it is, think instead that you are on the Roller Coaster of Life.  How will it end for you?  Will you just keep going down, or will you try and get back up, level off a bit, enjoy the waves.  It isn’t easy, but, making roller coasters aren’t either.  Some people may not be able to complete the ride, but remember, with God, all things are possible even the Roller Coaster of Life.  

Trust, even when it feels all is lost

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Once I had to learn how to move my right leg and my right arm, I was told that I needed to keep going.  

I trusted God. He told me He would help me back up and it was beginning to be uncovered that getting back up, was not going to be as easy as my last surgery.  Something was much different, but I needed to remember to keep my faith strong in God.  It is never easy to have faith when life isn’t easy.  Some people find it easier to have faith in God when things are in chaos; but, for me it is easier to trust in the little things and much harder to trust in the harder things, such as getting myself back on top of my mountain range.

Every day that I was in the hospital I would throw up.  Each time someone would touch me, any time I would move or was moved, or anytime they would give me any medication, I would throw up.  It made it even more difficult to eat, to do physical therapy or to just to get better.  I started off at 247lbs the day I walked into the hospital and by the time they figured out what was going on I weighed 170.  At the end of July they realized that my brain scans were showing hydrocephalus on both sides of my brain.  That simply means that my brain was filled up with fluid and my body wasn’t using the fluid for other organs, it was simply building up in the wrong places.  About 5-6 times a day,  nurses would come running to change me out of my clothes and bedding and give me another bath.  

One day I was so mad.  I couldn’t understand why the doctors didn’t know what else to do each time they would come to me after I had lost another 20lbs.  Then there was a nurse who sat with me one night.  It was the end of her shift, my family had left and the nurses had cleaned me up, again.  I was questioning the doctors, God, and anyone else that should know something.  The nurse gave me some medicine to help the dizziness calm down so I could sleep.  As I was trying not to move she told me, “Ms. Christina, don’t be mad at the doctors and nurses each time they don’t know what to do with you.  Be happy and be blessed.  When you had your surgery you had to have a 2nd brain surgery because you had a brain bleed.  We were called from the OR and told that they were going to need us to clean an ICU room for you to go.  None of us spoke while we cleaned.  We all know too well, that many times people that have brain bleeds don’t make it to surgery, and if they do, they won’t make it out.  We weren’t sure that you would make it.  Even your doctor wasn’t sure, he just told the nursing staff to get the room ready and the next 24 hours were crucial.  Someone wanted you to survive and He is in control of your life.  Neither we nor the other doctors have had many people survive one brain bleed and you had two.  Once you made it out of surgery, we all knew we had to wait.  Most likely, your family was told that you may not survive the night.  Then, you did and each day the doctors and the nurses don’t want to get their hopes up.  Something is different about you, He has you alive for a purpose.  We don’t know what to do next, because rarely do people survive.  So don’t be angry, feel blessed knowing that He has kept you alive. “

On July 14, 2021 I had my last brain surgery.  I remember falling asleep, telling my nurse not to let them take my eyes.  Several hours later, when I woke up, I realized right away, that I could feel my right arm but still not my right leg.  I was thankful that God had allowed me to survive and I needed to be thankful for all my blessings, even letting me live and learn how to live.  I needed to learn to trust, even when it all felt lost.  It wasn’t easy, I had to relearn how to do so many things to reteach my brain, but with God on my side, I can be thankful for each new day, no matter how dim it looks!

 

Then, there is God

After the doctors came to me and told me they were sending someone in to help me move my leg and get it up to walk, I honestly thought they were stupid!  I couldn’t feel my leg, I didn’t even know if it was moving or not.  I certainly couldn’t move it on my own nor could I walk on it.  I remember the first day a lady came in and said, “Ok, this is the day you will remember, I am going to teach you how to move your leg!”  I remember starring at her and she said, “yes, it sounds strange, but we think it is possible.”  That’s a good thing because I didn’t think it was possible.  She went on to tell me that my right arm was just weak and even though I couldn’t fully feel it or move it, it would catch up and eventually gain back the strength that was lost.  However, my right leg appeared to have nerves that seemed to be burnt off at the end.  It seemed as if in time my nerves would eventually grow back just like a lizard’s tail, but in the meantime I needed to learn how to move it and walk on it so that when that did happen I would be ready.  At that time they called it my dead leg.  She picked up my leg and told me, try to just think about this leg, try to move it out of my hand.  Don’t think about anything else but your leg.  At first, it just dropped back onto the bed.  Then, I felt pain in my upper hip and I realized that that is what I needed to focus on.  It is odd when you know your leg is there, because you see it, but you can’t feel it.  She came back every day and each day they added a new therapist for something new.  I had a therapist to help me stand, this lady help me figure out how to move my leg.  I had one to help my arm move and do things, I had another one to help me re-think and speak.  The two hardest things were learning to tell time and moving my leg.  Finally, I was able to move my leg and as soon as I did, I had was asked to focus on that movement while they helped me stand again.  Orginially I was learning to stand with one leg, now, I needed to stand knowing I have two legs and placing my body weight on both legs.  Try standing like a flamingo for many moments  and trying to balance on that one leg, you will see how easy it is not.  After several days, I was finally able to shift my left leg forward, relying on a walker, then pull my right leg to my side.  Each day I would have therapy, I would pray so hard, “God,  I don’t think I can do this!  They think I can, my husband thinks I can, but I don’t have faith in my body.  I only have faith in You.  If You think I can, please oh please show me how!”  As time went on, I would eventually be able to move my left leg then my right.  I can bend both legs and I can stand without help on both legs.  God is awesome!  Even though I know this, I still have to be reminded over and over again.  I have learned to not take for granted anything in this life, but to believe that God has me going through all of this to show off His skill and workmanship.  Each day is different.  Walking was difficult, but I can see how far I have come in two years.  As of two months ago, they discovered that my nerves are back, now they appear to be asleep so they refer my leg as a ‘sleeping leg’.   

God told me I would eventually get back onto my mountain, but getting back on top was not going to be as easy as just walking up the side through different ordeals in life.  It has become learning how to rely on my family, friends, and God to get back up and keep on going, even when I feel like all is lost and my nerves are dead.